Sunday, January 25, 2009

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

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Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"

I read this blog today, reading everything I could get my mouse to click on about her nephew Tanner. I'm sitting here, in my office, with a cat on my lap, crying into my bathrobe sleeve.

Grab your Kleenex and go read about Tanner. When you're done, come back so we can talk some more.

........................................................

I wonder; why am I now, in my late twenties, a planner, saver and thinker-aheader, when I never was growing up?

I was the girl who opened the gates and seized the day. (ten bucks to the first person who can tell me what I'm quoting from) I was the gal who made no plans other than I'll be there when I'm there. Last minute movie, shopping trip, trip to Chicago? I'm your girl.

Is it maturity or anxiety? Planning definitely causes me more anxiety, but actually having plans causes my anxieties to disappear. Do I plan ahead because I'm being fiscally responsible or because I'm afraid I only have so much time to get it all done in and don't want to miss out on anything because of poor planning?

This is something I've struggled with recently - the "I will not die when I'm 36" syndrome. I do believe that the way I confronted plans and planning a year ago has changed dramatically. I'm much more laid back now than I was. I'm also a lot happier with myself today than I was a year ago. I was still a good person, I just had some kinks to work out.

Back to my point - am I planning, planning, planning because I'm terrified that I am going to miss out on some of life's biggest moments? Or am I planning, planning, planning because I'm actually an adult who has to plan things?

I'd like to think it's a little bit of both. And I know that I am so very blessed because unlike Tanner and his mom, I do not have a looming deadline ahead of me.

This week has brought up a lot of old memories. We're leaving Thursday for a ski trip that, last year, was a life changer. There's still some unfinished business with a few of the ski trip attendees, even after an entire year has passed. I think we're close to being back on track, but there are times when I wish they'd move to Alaska and just go away already. But most of the time I wish they'd just be friendly and stop being so damn uncomfortable and awkward around me. I don't bite! I'm not going to jump down your throat or make you squirm. Sit down next to me, have a conversation and stop tip-toeing around the issue. We had a huge fight. It's a fact. Stop acting like it didn't happen. Apologize and let's move on. I've apologized. I've made a huge effort, more than what was required of me. Say you're sorry and let's end these silly encounters. I'm so over all this and want to be able to meet in a group without having to worry about how the two of you are going to be that day. I want to stop feeling as though you both are above everything - that you feel you have gotten away with being less than decent people (at that time, not now) and that you feel you do not owe me an apology. Two simple words would make this entire deal disappear. We could, with a clear mind, move forward.

Obviously this "taking our time" and "pretending everything is okay" is not working. I've owned up for my actions, please own up for yours so we can move on already. No "waiting for the day when we're not uncomfortable" or "giving it more time" because that's not going to work. We need to stop right here, face the music, talk for all of 10 minutes about it, clear the air and move on.

God do I want that more than anything right now.

More than I want to be on the ski hill, 25 degrees, my new board, my iTunes blaring and flying down that bunny hill. :)


4 comments:

Anonymous said...

ohhh....newsies reference...loves it!!!

-K.Anne :)

I'm totally going to find that and watch it sometime this week...or put it in my netflix que...

Missie Jean said...

Dude, I would totally send you $10 but I know you'd send that shit back. LOL

Thanks again for dinner on Friday!!!! Greg and I were trying to figure out ways to get the money to you without you sending it back. :)

I have it on DVD if you want to borrow it. :-)

Anonymous said...

LOL. I would. Not because I have that much time on my hands - cause I do - but that's just how I roll.

Dinner was my pleasure. Don't worry about it. :)

-me

Ree said...

Yep. HerBadMother will get you all choked up for sure.

Coming from someone who never believed she'd see 30 much less 45, I think the whole planning thing is just part of being female and fairly responsible. ;-) Enjoy it.

Enjoy the ski trip too. If "they" are acting weird, turn your back on them and face people you love to be with. (Advice from the old lady over here in the corner.)