Friday, August 22, 2008

Where are you now?

10 years ago today, I was 16 years old. I didn't have my license and I had no desire whatsoever to drive. I was a Junior in high school with no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. I was editor of the school paper and thought I wanted to be a reporter. I had high hopes of leaving high school, getting a job as an editor and ruling the world; though I had no idea how to get from point A to point X. I figured that by 26, I'd be married, own a house, have a kick ass job and be planning the 3 or 4 children I was going to be a stay at home mom of.


Today, I am 26, and other than owning a house, I was way off. And you know? I couldn't be any happier. I have all the things I never thought I'd need and anything I could want. (Aside from a husband, that is) (I do have an eventual husband, which has to be enough for now)

Where were you 10 years ago today? What did you want out of life? Were you happy? Is there anything left of that 10-years-ago you in the right-now-as-you-are you? Does your life in any way resemble the plans you had for yourself then?

I can't wait to hear your stories!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Grounded

After much talking, crying, laughing and a severe sinus infection (thank you health gods), things are back on track.

* Communication is a big key in any relationship. In mine, it's the difference between happiness and what you read in my last blog. The flood gates have opened and the relationship we once had is now the relationship we have again. Problems were worked out, no compromises needed to be made because really, we were on the in the same book, we just weren't on the same page. We're there now and I hope this story never ends. SIDE NOTE: No more blogging about my relationship in such specific terms. I went back and forth between taking down the post and feeling really guilty about it being out there for the world to see. So moving forward, no more of those ubber dramatic posts. Sorry guys.

* "You find out who your friends are... Somebody's gonna drop everything, run out and crank up their car, hit the gas, get there fast, never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'. They just show on up with their big old heart. You find out who your friends are!" (Tracy Lawrence, Find Out Who Your Friends Are)

* I'm so lucky to have such great friends who really rally around me in my times of need as well as all of our good times. Thanks to everyone for being there, anytime, anywhere. I've said this tons, but I am floored that I have such amazing friends.

* Like I mentioned before, I have a severe sinus infection. No fun. Someone PLEASE curse the nasal gods for me and beg for whatever forgiveness is needed for this dreaded thing to leave my body. Because I ENJOY taking 10 pills a day (no lie) for 5 days. Yeek.

* I WAS OFFERED THE JOB! That's right. I'm moving on up! And by up, I mean a 10 minute drive from my house verses the 60 minute commute I face now. I'll give my 2 week notice on Monday when I have the official job offer in my hands. More on that to come later.


Things will settle down here and I'll start posting a little more interesting tidbits for you to read. Thanks for tuning in thus far.

Today's Green tip of the day: Scrap the water bottle (in the recycling bin please) and grab a cup. Or a Nalgene bottle. Fill it up with filtered water, or even tap water. Check out this article about the cost savings in switching from bottled water.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The most random second post ever.

Like I said, this is going to be very random. Today my life makes little to no sense. What the hell am I doing? What the hell am I going to do? I should clarify. There are many things going on in my life right now. I left a horrible job about 5 months ago and took a job an hour away from where I live. I'm now looking to get back into the industry I left and find a job closer to home. I interviewed for a job and should hear something Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. Put me out of my misery already!

Also, my anxiety level has been extremely high lately. I've had no patience for anything at all. I can't do anything without an evil Siskel & Ebert commentary running in the background. Did I say that right? Am I doing the right thing? What am I doing? Am I too bitchy? Why I am too nice? Did I try hard enough? It's infuriating. I can't seem to find sure footing on which to plant my feet, take a stand and hold my head up high. I have no confidence in my abilities as a human being. I can't concentrate. Thumbs down, girlfriend, thumbs down. Do I just suck at life or what?

I'm ubber critical of anything that anyone says to me. Did she imply that I am a horrible person? She's talking about this person, but maybe she's really talking about me and hoping I get the hint. It's bullshit. I know it, I really do. But would someone please tell my brain to take the next train back to reality? Hold a gun to its... um... well, its proverbial head.

To top it off, I'm struggling to find happiness in my relationship with my boyfriend. We're in the middle of the same fight we have every time we fight. This is knock-out-drag-out fight part 8, I do believe. Now, I have noticed that we have this fight when my anxiety level reaches a certain point. BUT, but, in my defense, it's worth the fight. I get tired of the mundane. The same old taken-for-granted routine. You know that one? The same-old-same-old bit? I'm with you, so you must know I love you script? It's not fun. Make me feel like I'm on your mind when I'm not directly in front of you. I want to KNOW that you want to work at keeping me in your life. I'm not here by force, I'm here because I want to be. But lately, I don't want to be. He goes away for 3 days and says his phone has died and that he couldn't call yesterday. Not one of the 109 other people you were with had a working cell phone that you could call me from? Especially when about 45 of them know me and I know would gladly hand 'em over for a 5 minute conversation. And when we spoke today, he HUNG UP ON ME. My 26 year old boyfriend who is 6 hours away from me right now, HUNG UP ON ME. Yeah. It's like that. But why do we have this fight about every 3-4 months? Why do you say you'll make an effort, I wait to see that effort and then I let it slide, only to have it bubble up and turn into knock-out-drag-out fight 9, 10, 11 and 67?

I love this kid. I really do. He's funnier than anyone you can ever introduce me to. He makes me melt like butter when he puts on the charm. But when he's not happy? Stop the world from talking, laughing, revolving, because he doesn't want one part of it. He's a pouty little kid. You can't get through to him, he doesn't listen and he doesn't want to talk. Everyone who knows him, knows this. I get sympathetic smiles when he 'has a headache'. Now, he's rarely like this, in his defense. But when he is, it's the pits. He's been this way for about 2 weeks now. Something is up. And not calling me for over 24 hours when you're out of town for 3 days makes me think that I'm the something that is up. He's been distant and frigid. He's not affectionate or loving. He's had a lot of headaches. Everything is I, me, my, mine. Not We, Us, Ours. Is this is sign of what's to come? Or is this two stressed out people trying to sort things out on their own, not leaving on each other as they should? I don't know. But I do know that it has to change. The lack of communication has got to stop. The caring and love has got to come forward.

In two weeks, drum corps is done. I'm sad to see it go, but I'm excited about the prospect of having a semi-normal relationship. Spending weekends together, working on the house together. Seeing each other for more than 4 hours AWAKE.

Is it the house? Is it stress? Or are we doomed as a couple? Is it a crack in the foundation of our relationship that has shifted and is irreparable? Is it someone else? All these things go through my fried brain. I've had time to think things over today and have prepared myself for the conversation we will have when he gets home. This is who I am. I am tired of being made to feel that if I just did one more thing better that I would be good enough. Being with me requires work. If you think it's too much, we walk away now. If you don't, then roll up your sleeves and let's get this relationship back on track. We had a weekend in Chicago in which I had a bunch of fun. You had a headache. Were you just going through the motions? Are you in this because you love me or because you're comfortable with me? After almost 4 years, I have a right to know this.

I struggle with whether or not to post this tonight. I prefer a little anonymity when writing, and know that with this being a public blog, it's, well, public. Many of our friends have access to this blog. Whether they read it or not is another story. But knowing that it's out there for the world to see and that I could hurt him in the process is troublesome. I need to set guidelines and rules for postings. I need to relax. I need to breath.

But right now, I just need to click publish post.

Friday, August 15, 2008

The beginning...

Please allow me to introduce myself... (and please, don't blame me for causing that song to be stuck in your head all day).

As of 12:24 on August 15th, I am a 26 year old, 5 foot tall, spunky, dark & twisty, preppy, hippie, hipster. I am so many different people that at times, I worry that my dad's schizophrenia/MPD IS actually genetic and that I am a little bit of everything, all rolled into one. (There, now you have another song to sing all day).

I am a motherless daughter. This alone gives me plenty of blogging material that should keep you all on the edge of your seats for minutes to come.

You are what you do, 'they' say, right? We'll, I get up at 5:30 in the morning every day. I get ready, albeit slowly. I drive an hour to work in which I talk to one of my girls - Katie, Kate, Jeni or Nicole. I work as a customer service agent for a polyurethane company. My job consists of about 10% customer service, 40% real work and 50% trying to look busy. At 5:00, I get back into my car and drive for another hour. I call whomever it was that I did not call that morning and head home.

Home consists of my tall, skinny, sexy, drummer boyfriend, our 3 cats and any friends that may be staying with us at the time. Some weekends we have up to 16 people sleeping in every room of our house. We own our house, which is one of the best and most tiring things to ever happen to me.

When I walk in the door, I'm greeted by Mau, our 25lb cat, who meows (LOUD NOISES) until I feed him. Stella is our little prissy bitch who is cuter than any of y'all's cats, hands down, and I'll fight you for that. She seems to love me all the time and only like Greg when he wants to play with her. Max, our black one, is a Bombay cat (Part Burmese, Part Siamese) and tends to require a lot of attention, he's Greg's. And then I get a big smooch from the aforementioned eventual hubby. Note: Eventual is a very broad term here. More on that later.

I make dinner, something yummy and mostly homemade. We eat said dinner and then he cleans the kitchen.

I head to bed about 9/9:30 every night. I read for about and hour and then I pass the fuck out. I require a lot of beauty sleep. :)

Rinse, Lather, Repeat.

Throw into that mix a ton of awesome, crazy, sexy, cool friends who I spend many, many hours with, Greg's marching in a competitive Drum & Bugle Corps, a huge family, a brand new house, my shopping addiction and you have a pretty awesome life.

I hope that the 3 of you who end up reading my blog enjoy my hippie soapbox rants, my trendy shopping advice, my hopeless romantic woes and my psychotic family stories. Above all, I am unlike anyone I have ever met. And if I met me, I'd be my best friend in an instant. ;) Stay tuned for the ins and outs my life. And thanks for dropping by.

For those about to rock, we salute you.