Monday, September 29, 2008

Do it anyway

I came across this on Molly of M3 Studio's blog. For those of you who don't know, Molly is my bestest friend Katie Mann Jensen's sister. She's also got an amazing eye for the perfect shot and is a wonderful photographer. Check her out!

Here's what I have to share for the day. And then I'm going back to bed because I think I have the flu. Probably karma for venting yesterday. Grrr.....

"Do it Anyway" by Mother Theresa

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, some could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

That's Who I Am. Wait, who am I?

begin rant/

I have felt the need to defend myself lately. I tend to piss off one or two people who take me at face value and tell the world how obnoxious I am.

A warning to everyone that this is for me to get out of my head. I'm not talking to anyone or at anyone or doing anything to piss anyone off. It's my blog, my venting space, my passive aggressive way of letting everything out without having to talk to anyone about it.

I am loud, I am opinionated and I am headstrong. I'm not perfect, as tends to be pointed out by those who think I'm too loud, too opinionated and too headstrong. But for those of you who can get past that to see who I am as a person, I think you'll find I'm worth sticking around for.

I find myself to be a strange mix: On one hand, I'm a hippie who recycles everything she can, thinks with a Green mind and is into all things natural and organic.

On the other, I'm into fashion and looking good, having an outfit for everything. I'm a professional hippie, I suppose.

As as person, I tend to speak without thinking. To someone who doesn't know me, you may think I'm being brash and rude, but it all comes from good intentions and love.

I tend to be really hard on myself. When I'm comfortable in my own skin, I'm kind, thoughtful, funny and compassionate. When I'm uncomfortable, I retreat into my hard shell and lash out at those I really care about. When I'm stressed, my jabs are the lifelines I'm throwing out in the hope that someone will actually SPEAK to me and tell me it's okay. I find that when I am quiet, people walk around me and say nothing.

I have to add that the exceptions to all of these points are those people who really know me, love me and don't think I'm some half-shitty person who would be great if ... (fill in the blank here).

People tend to care about my life way more than they should. And by that I mean those people who dislike me but seem to think that they have a right to stay around and spread rumors about me. I feel like I'm back at high school. =But not. Because even in high school, I never had to deal with this. And you'd think that because we're adults that if you didn't like someone, but were friends with their boyfriend that you would do one of two things - stop being friends with us all together or be an adult and pull some decency out of your ass and be friendly to me.

I'm not asking anyone to be my best friend. I have my best friends. I don't want or need any more best friends. I'm not in the market for bosom buddies or BFFs.

What I am in the market for is people who can keep their mouths shut and stop making everything so difficult for everyone by being so stupid and immature.

I don't expect everyone to like me in the way that I don't expect to like everyone. I have never claimed to be like anyone or to be someone that you will love or even like or yet, even tolerate.

I know I'm worth it and I know that I am a good person. What I'm tired of is people who can't get over how much they don't like me. I'm tired of questioning my relationships with other people because someone is not hiding the fact that they don't want to be friends with me.

I'm tired of being uncomfortable.

It all ends now. Truths: You don't like me. Okay. Big deal. Don't pretend, just be an adult. I don't like you. Okay. I will never be mean or spiteful. Just stay away from me and we're fine. Don't expect to integrate yourself into my life somehow. If I don't like you, don't expect that those who love me will be as open to you as you would like them to be. We're all adults, but we're not going to be friends.

I think that Jean-Jacques Rousseau said it best when he said "I am made unlike anyone I have ever met."

/end rant

Friday, September 12, 2008

Isn't he just the cutest little thang?!?!

Friends of ours have entered their baby Jack into the Jones Soda Contest and I'm asking everyone to vote for him. You can only vote once per computer, so vote at home and vote at work! If you're at school, vote from every computer you've got!

Look at this little man:

Thanks everyone! And VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

How I became an asshole...

I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately. I'm extremely blessed in that I have many wonderful friendships and none that aren't so wonderful. I realize that basically since we decided to buy a house, I have been a pretty shitty friend. I've been going through the motions of keeping my friendships going, yet not really putting in the extra effort, or really, the actual effort needed to keep them strong. I feel like an asshole. I pretty much ended a friendship last year because of the exact same thing that I am doing to my friends. What a bitch!

Instead of putting in more effort to support this friend, I blew her off as uncaring towards our friendship and immature. When really, she was busy and had a lot going on. A new boyfriend, school full-time, family and being the age when you're really just trying to figure out what the hell you're doing with your life. And instead of supporting her, I told myself and everyone else that I wasn't going to wait around for her to 'grow up', as I put it. I have very few regrets in my life, but spending a year trying to rebuild a friendship that really has not gotten back on it's feet has caused me to realize that I acted immaturely and out of pure emotion and not reason. I alienated friends within our group and said some really bold and nasty things.

I expected loyalty from my very close friends, which I received, but should not have blatantly ASKED for. I should have been thankful and grateful for the support and love I received, even though I was horribly wrong. I'm going to get off my ass and really start working towards better friendships with the wonderful people who have thankfully put up with me for months, and in many cases, years and years. Friendship is the freedom to be our true selves and my true self is getting her ass in gear.

What I have not admitted to anyone (mainly because it means admitting that I am and was wrong) is that I miss the friendship I had with this girl. It's still there somewhat, but I want back what we had. And the hardest part of all? I don't think she does. I have to live with that mistake and well, it sucks. I failed as her friend. I failed as a decent, loving, compassionate human being.

I'm happy with my life in general; I live a blessed life. But I'm glad that I was able to smack myself out of this rut before one of my friends had to do it for me. I mean, I love you all, but you hit hard. :)

If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I know I've said that a million ways from Sunday. But I am. This time, I truly am. I was an asshole. And you didn't deserve it. I hope, in my heart of hearts, that you have forgiven me and we can go back to the friends we once were and the friends we could be.

Monday, September 1, 2008

“…Too soon, too sudden, the wrenching apart, that woman’s heartbeat heard ever after from a distance..."

“… the loss of that ground-note echoing whenever we are happy, or in despair.” --from Transcendental Etude, by Adrienne Rich

The wrenching apart, the loss of your mother. Every year, every change in my life. Every time I laugh out loud and am reminded that I laugh like her. Trying to become a successful adult with no idea how to get there and the one person I want to guide me is not able to do so. Huge life decisions are made with a wavering faith in myself. Thinking, what would my mother do and having absolutely no idea how to answer the damn question.

On May 27th, my mom, the center of my 8 year old world, my life force, took me into her lap and told me that there were no more drugs that the doctors could give her that would make her better. The cancer would never go away and it was going to kill her. She told me how much she loved me and how proud of me she was. How she would always be in my heart and watching over me. Somewhere, there is something about rain that always reminds me of her and I have snippets of something she said regarding the rain and thinking of her. But it is just out of my 8 year old reach. Hours later that night, my mom was finally able to stop fighting the good fight that had sucked every ounce of strength and health from her body. While I was sleeping, surrounded by all of her family and close friends, my mom took her last breath and was gone forever from this earth. I became a motherless daughter.

In the early 90's, they had no idea how to cure Colon Cancer. Hell, they thought she had the flu until the cancer had spread throughout her entire body and it was too late to do anything about it.

I realized something this weekend. It is one of those thoughts that hits you like a ton of bricks, yet rather than think about it, I pushed it to the back of my mind and have left it to simmer there until now.

I am in a huge rush to get married, because I don't know if I'll make it past 36. My mom didn't, so why should I, right? At 26, my mom was 2 years away from finding out she was pregnant with me. She was just on the cusp of marrying my dad and was 4 years away from divorce and becoming a single mom. She was 6 years away from her last healthy moments. And 10 years away from death.

Am I living as though I only have 10 years left to do everything in my life? You bet. Why? I don't know, because I didn't realize it until about 72 hours ago. What if I'm 30 and unmarried? I feel as though I'll never be able to have children if I'm not married when I'm 30. All the things I want to do with my life, all of the experiences I crave; I have this deep seeded fear that the clock is ticking and I have to rush, rush, rush. This can't be healthy. I have to come to terms with this somehow.

How unfair to Greg that I have lived my life this way, even if it was unknowingly. The expectations I lay at his feet with no reasonable reason why things need to be accomplished on my schedule and not our schedule. Somewhere deep in my psyche is this terror that I am not going to be able to experience marriage and children. I must admit that I have been very short-sighted. Get married, have kids. Then what? I don't know. I guess that on some level I never expected to make it further than that. How unnerving is that?

What to do with this new found knowledge? Again, I don't know. Do you live like you were dying or do you live like you have all the time in the world? Where is the happy medium?

Somehow, more than 18 years after my mom was no longer a physical presence in my life, she is still next to me, near me, inside me. Without knowing that my mom was a naturalist, I have become a high heel hippie. I have many of her good personality traits and a few of her no so good ones as well.

Together, you, I, all of us, we'll see where this road leads.

Much love.