Tuesday, September 9, 2008

How I became an asshole...

I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately. I'm extremely blessed in that I have many wonderful friendships and none that aren't so wonderful. I realize that basically since we decided to buy a house, I have been a pretty shitty friend. I've been going through the motions of keeping my friendships going, yet not really putting in the extra effort, or really, the actual effort needed to keep them strong. I feel like an asshole. I pretty much ended a friendship last year because of the exact same thing that I am doing to my friends. What a bitch!

Instead of putting in more effort to support this friend, I blew her off as uncaring towards our friendship and immature. When really, she was busy and had a lot going on. A new boyfriend, school full-time, family and being the age when you're really just trying to figure out what the hell you're doing with your life. And instead of supporting her, I told myself and everyone else that I wasn't going to wait around for her to 'grow up', as I put it. I have very few regrets in my life, but spending a year trying to rebuild a friendship that really has not gotten back on it's feet has caused me to realize that I acted immaturely and out of pure emotion and not reason. I alienated friends within our group and said some really bold and nasty things.

I expected loyalty from my very close friends, which I received, but should not have blatantly ASKED for. I should have been thankful and grateful for the support and love I received, even though I was horribly wrong. I'm going to get off my ass and really start working towards better friendships with the wonderful people who have thankfully put up with me for months, and in many cases, years and years. Friendship is the freedom to be our true selves and my true self is getting her ass in gear.

What I have not admitted to anyone (mainly because it means admitting that I am and was wrong) is that I miss the friendship I had with this girl. It's still there somewhat, but I want back what we had. And the hardest part of all? I don't think she does. I have to live with that mistake and well, it sucks. I failed as her friend. I failed as a decent, loving, compassionate human being.

I'm happy with my life in general; I live a blessed life. But I'm glad that I was able to smack myself out of this rut before one of my friends had to do it for me. I mean, I love you all, but you hit hard. :)

If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I know I've said that a million ways from Sunday. But I am. This time, I truly am. I was an asshole. And you didn't deserve it. I hope, in my heart of hearts, that you have forgiven me and we can go back to the friends we once were and the friends we could be.

2 comments:

Evil Stick Man said...

Makes me wish I was better at being a friend. I hope you can patch things up with whomever it was.

Miss Missie said...

Thanks Matty. I think you're fab. :)