The most random second post ever.

Like I said, this is going to be very random. Today my life makes little to no sense. What the hell am I doing? What the hell am I going to do? I should clarify. There are many things going on in my life right now. I left a horrible job about 5 months ago and took a job an hour away from where I live. I'm now looking to get back into the industry I left and find a job closer to home. I interviewed for a job and should hear something Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. Put me out of my misery already!

Also, my anxiety level has been extremely high lately. I've had no patience for anything at all. I can't do anything without an evil Siskel & Ebert commentary running in the background. Did I say that right? Am I doing the right thing? What am I doing? Am I too bitchy? Why I am too nice? Did I try hard enough? It's infuriating. I can't seem to find sure footing on which to plant my feet, take a stand and hold my head up high. I have no confidence in my abilities as a human being. I can't concentrate. Thumbs down, girlfriend, thumbs down. Do I just suck at life or what?

I'm ubber critical of anything that anyone says to me. Did she imply that I am a horrible person? She's talking about this person, but maybe she's really talking about me and hoping I get the hint. It's bullshit. I know it, I really do. But would someone please tell my brain to take the next train back to reality? Hold a gun to its... um... well, its proverbial head.

To top it off, I'm struggling to find happiness in my relationship with my boyfriend. We're in the middle of the same fight we have every time we fight. This is knock-out-drag-out fight part 8, I do believe. Now, I have noticed that we have this fight when my anxiety level reaches a certain point. BUT, but, in my defense, it's worth the fight. I get tired of the mundane. The same old taken-for-granted routine. You know that one? The same-old-same-old bit? I'm with you, so you must know I love you script? It's not fun. Make me feel like I'm on your mind when I'm not directly in front of you. I want to KNOW that you want to work at keeping me in your life. I'm not here by force, I'm here because I want to be. But lately, I don't want to be. He goes away for 3 days and says his phone has died and that he couldn't call yesterday. Not one of the 109 other people you were with had a working cell phone that you could call me from? Especially when about 45 of them know me and I know would gladly hand 'em over for a 5 minute conversation. And when we spoke today, he HUNG UP ON ME. My 26 year old boyfriend who is 6 hours away from me right now, HUNG UP ON ME. Yeah. It's like that. But why do we have this fight about every 3-4 months? Why do you say you'll make an effort, I wait to see that effort and then I let it slide, only to have it bubble up and turn into knock-out-drag-out fight 9, 10, 11 and 67?

I love this kid. I really do. He's funnier than anyone you can ever introduce me to. He makes me melt like butter when he puts on the charm. But when he's not happy? Stop the world from talking, laughing, revolving, because he doesn't want one part of it. He's a pouty little kid. You can't get through to him, he doesn't listen and he doesn't want to talk. Everyone who knows him, knows this. I get sympathetic smiles when he 'has a headache'. Now, he's rarely like this, in his defense. But when he is, it's the pits. He's been this way for about 2 weeks now. Something is up. And not calling me for over 24 hours when you're out of town for 3 days makes me think that I'm the something that is up. He's been distant and frigid. He's not affectionate or loving. He's had a lot of headaches. Everything is I, me, my, mine. Not We, Us, Ours. Is this is sign of what's to come? Or is this two stressed out people trying to sort things out on their own, not leaving on each other as they should? I don't know. But I do know that it has to change. The lack of communication has got to stop. The caring and love has got to come forward.

In two weeks, drum corps is done. I'm sad to see it go, but I'm excited about the prospect of having a semi-normal relationship. Spending weekends together, working on the house together. Seeing each other for more than 4 hours AWAKE.

Is it the house? Is it stress? Or are we doomed as a couple? Is it a crack in the foundation of our relationship that has shifted and is irreparable? Is it someone else? All these things go through my fried brain. I've had time to think things over today and have prepared myself for the conversation we will have when he gets home. This is who I am. I am tired of being made to feel that if I just did one more thing better that I would be good enough. Being with me requires work. If you think it's too much, we walk away now. If you don't, then roll up your sleeves and let's get this relationship back on track. We had a weekend in Chicago in which I had a bunch of fun. You had a headache. Were you just going through the motions? Are you in this because you love me or because you're comfortable with me? After almost 4 years, I have a right to know this.

I struggle with whether or not to post this tonight. I prefer a little anonymity when writing, and know that with this being a public blog, it's, well, public. Many of our friends have access to this blog. Whether they read it or not is another story. But knowing that it's out there for the world to see and that I could hurt him in the process is troublesome. I need to set guidelines and rules for postings. I need to relax. I need to breath.

But right now, I just need to click publish post.