Thursday, April 23, 2009

That's Who I Am, But Who Am I?

I was born almost 3 months early and weighed 2 pounds, eleven ounces. They were told I had a 60% survival rate being that premature.

At 2, my parents went through a nasty divorce which spilled over into almost all of my childhood and still affects my adulthood.

When I was 8, my mother died of colorectal cancer. She had a 44% chance of surviving if it was caught in time. She was stage 4 before it was caught. Now, you have a 90% survival rate.

At 17, my father was thrown in prison and sentenced to 12 years. I will be almost 30 when he is released. He had been incarcerated so many times prior that I have lost count.

By 18 I had lived in a household for 10 years in which I was both mentally and physically abused on a daily basis. I moved out before my 18th birthday and never looked back. I have only been 'home' a handful of times since; none within the last 2 years.

I was a 19 year old woman selling half a million dollar equipment to an industry almost fully comprised of old men. Somehow, I thrived. That position opened so many doors to me and I will forever be grateful for that.

Without my Grandma and a handful of selfless, wonderful friends, I would never have survived myself.

These are things that most no one knows about me. I have a handful of good friends who do and I tend to think that they have already forgotten that I've told them this.

Why? Because at times I feel that it has no bearing on whom I am. But other times, I feel as though by denying it, I'm lying to myself.

I live two lives. Most of the time, I'm the girl whose life started at 22. Some of the time, I'm everything I've been through.

When I think of where I've been and what I've been through, I start to feel as though it's worth other's pity. And pity is not what I want in my life or need.

Other times I feel a desire to say these things out loud because in doing so may garner the last bit of respect I'm looking for from someone.

Lately, I've struggled with how my past will affect my future. Do I need to rise above or do I need to embrace it? Rising above has worked so far; along with many helping hands holding me up when I wasn't able.

Is keeping much of this a 'secret' giving it the power it does not deserve? Or is it just being human and having secrets?

Just some random thoughts for you all.

3 comments:

calicobebop said...

Oh my gentle Jesus - you have been through SO much! I can completely understand why you would want to say that your life began at 22. Some things just aren't worth remembering. You are a strong, strong person to have survived so many ordeals.

I'm going to start counting my blessings now.

Jess to the Lo said...

I have had to embrace, deal with, and accept my past situations to join the two parts of me. I feel better than I ever have since I have done/been working on this.

Love you, and hope you can come to peace inside.

Reality Therapist said...

I think that by embracing the past you are rising above it. You have taken the lot that you were given and used it to hone and mold your life for the better.

It will always be a process, but that is what life is about. Processing and evolving, and you are doing it quite well.

I would not have faired so well. You are an incredible person.