Sunday, October 5, 2008

Separating Fact From Fiction

They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting. I'm through with doubt, there’s nothing left for me to figure out. I’ve paid a price, and I’ll keep paying.

I’m not ready to make nice, I’m not ready to back down. I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round. It’s too late to make it right. I probably wouldn’t if I could, 'cause I’m mad as hell. Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said, "Can’t you just get over it?".

Today is a pretty shitty day for me. Friends of mine are fighting, who are in-turn getting mad at me. Old feelings I thought I'd left behind are coming to the surface. I fully understand the phrase "rearing it's ugly head" right now. All in all, this hasn't been the worst of years. I hold a list of wonderful blessings close to my heart. My life is headed in the right direction. But the bad times seem to not fade as quickly as they used to.

Somehow I cannot seem to get over it. I can't even define it. Somehow trying to be a good person and make everyone happy has made me the most unhappy person I know.

I can't remember what it's like to look around and not feel like my world is slowly slipping away through my clenched fingers. I am grabbing on to the proverbial shirt tail of my happiness and trying to dig in my feet so that it cannot slip away.

I know some amazing people. There was a time when I felt loved. Lately, I feel as though I'm going crazy. I feel as though because one person does not like me that it must mean that everyone hates me, right?

How many times do I need to be told to relax before I actually listen?

I can't breath. I'm trying so hard to hold it all together and the harder I try, the more it falls apart.

I feel as though there is this happy-go-lucky person inside of me screaming to get out. Where did the goofy, fun-loving girl go who laughed and smiled and never had reason to cry or yell?

I feel as though because someone has an opinion of me and my past actions that I can never change that. I will never be able to get away from the girl they think I am.

I need to catch my breath.

I'm going to leave it at that right now. I'm going to go crawl up on the couch next to my true love and think only of the good in my life.

Please help hold me up in this time. Please do not kick me while I am down. Know that I need support and love. Not shaken heads and turned up noses.

I don't want to admit that there are people in this world who will kick you while you're down. Who have hearts which are black and not filled with love. Who will take everything at face value and never try to reach out a hand in love.

6 comments:

Jess to the Lo said...

I have felt the same or similar in the past/current times. I want to send some cyber love your way. I know that we do not have the same religious beliefs but remember that we have the same Saviour and God who loves us and is always there for us. Take care of yourself and say many heart felt prayers, answers will come-of that I have no doubt.

Miss Missie said...

You know, I can't remember the last time I actually prayed with some conviction. It has been a long time. Thank you for reminding me. Did you see the Mother Theresa poem I posted? I thought you would like that one.

Anonymous said...

alright paco. you are one of the most amazing people i know. and you're one of my favorite people in the world - and i don't throw that around alot.
yes, not everyone has to like you or be friends with you. and its ok. trust me. don't let those who don't like you or have issues with you get you down. life is to f-ing short for that.
i'm right now opting to get rid of the negative and focus on the positive. but that's just me.
regardless, you'll be fine and i'm here if you need me.
-Katherine Anne :)

Evil Stick Man said...

I don't have any solutions or anything, and I don't really know what's going on, but I'll just say that if you define your happiness as the happiness of other people, you'll experience a lot of hurt that you don't really need to. There's no point in pleasing everyone else if you can't please yourself.

That said, times like this tell you who your real friends are and help identify the sycophants. It sucks but some good always comes out of these situations, if in no other way than it makes you a little bit wiser. I hope your situation improves quickly.

laura beckman said...

my happiness is defined by the happiness of matt billock. man, am i incredibly unhappy! hahaha. dude, you have more going for you than you probably realize. i'm totally living vicariously through you and your blog. don't let a couple sour pusses ruin your day, people can be really shitty, but there are some decent ones out there too.

Miss Missie said...

You guys are the best. Thank you!

I'm going to update again today some time.

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